Choking Down Reflections of the Jean Dance

Warning: Lose weight FIRST to avoid these potential health hazards!

The Dressing Room Spot Light.  Ahhh, the dreaded dressing room stage…where we break our ego, and maybe a leg too. The fitting room transforms most of us into sweaty, bitchy, hulk-like creatures determined to NEVER “try before buying” again. No matter how sexy the dress, or how flattering the jeans nothing, and I mean NOTHING can remove that haunting high beam effect. This confining house of mirrors, equipped with a heated x-ray lamp, has absolutely nothing to do with picking a perfect outfit. It’s a trap. A deliberate means of sending even us with a decent body image straight to the Amish clothing boutique. Because oh no, we’re not revealing white golf ball like dimples to strangers, much less our lovers! Yes, dimples. The cute kind most of us want on our face….not on our butt, arms or legs! Florescent white, dimply legs and an extra 10lbs produced by the mega mirror are not making buyer’s remorse any easier. Seriously though, am I delusional, or did my lower limbs look much better last night? I swear I could have passed for a midsummer night’s dream in my glowing 40W nightstand light, complete with a lovely medium brown lamp shade. The dressing room spot light should know its limits…..before we break the mirrors. Really.

The Jean Dance.  The attempt to pull on clean, no stretch jeans is an individual art, made up of crazy moves in every direction with hip movements that would make a belly dancer jealous. Go ahead, turn up the tunes! The Jean Dance could serve as a perfect blackmail video for most of us. Your yoga poses like Warrior or Downward Facing Dog suddenly ooze with inexplicable determination and unconstrained energy. The area around the so called dance floor should be labeled “danger zone”. Nearby structures like chairs, tables, beds and other human bodies provide surface space, becoming sources of leverage for the Jean Dance and enhancing every move. These surfaces offer super power because your own personal strength just isn’t enough to manipulate this size body into those size jeans. Like you, I was determined not to go up a size in my blingy, butt flattering Miss Me jeans. That would be suicide worthy. I WILL move in more directions than Atlanta traffic, pouring myself like overflowing batter into the same ol’ size jeans for the sake of pride and, creating even larger muffins tops. Go figure. The Jean Dance makes Seinfeld’s Elaine look like a “Dancing with the Stars” winner. And, why should I ever be freaked out by contortionism again? I do it at least once a week.

The Swiss Chard Curse.  What IS this if it’s not cheese, a knife, a bank account or Alps? The first time I heard it, I’ll admit I had serious questions. Being a meat and potatoes girl, all my senses told me this chard stuff could be poisonous. It looks completely safe for rabbits, not for humans. But, the greens have it and I do love most vegetables. So, I gave it my best taste bud try. I placed it in my Nutri Bullet with some colorful fruits and less scary vegetables. Now I’m no artist, but how is it that you blend all kinds of beautiful colors together and still get puke green? And then enthusiastically want to drink it? The color alone will make you want to do extra sets at the gym or run like Forrest, just to make up for NOT having to drink a substance with the flavor of fresh cut grass licked straight off a lawn mower blade. Yuck! I’ll just keep sautéing my spinach and steaming my broccoli and pass on raw, cold curses.

My Expert Advice:  First, pick your perfect new dress at home, in YOUR lighting with ONE mirror. Secondly, push your ego to the floor instead of your contortioned body and go up a size in jeans. And lastly, prepare your spinach, or your Swiss chard (if you so desire) the way you like it best.

There. No more health hazards.

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